What did I wish for most when I was a little girl? What made me smile or what made me sparkle. quite frankly I can’t remember. The reason why is because I never really had a ‘wonderful’ time then, yes wonderful is in quotes because I don’t really know whether to use that word and in this context. My story is no different from a million other girls out there I always think so to myself. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep wishing that all these fears will just dry with my tears and therefore be washed away while I wipe or wash my face. It has never happened. I still hold on to them like holding on tightly on the banana ride going up and down, yes it is a roller coaster holding on to fears. I know this and yet I still hold on to them. How often I fail.
I grew up without a dad. I had a step-father, but we never really got along. I tried calling him dad, but these three letter word was really hard to spill out of my mouth. The other day someone told me I turned out really good for a lady who grew without knowing her real dad, I kept quiet for a while repeated that statement a few times in my head and answered back. No, I need help. I am really broken, bruised, and hurt. I have a bleeding heart spilling it’s contents into every relationship I get into, I am over emotional, Oh did I mention how self-pitiful I get (bleurgh) and recently I thought I had clinical depression. (I still need to go for a check up). So no I did not turn out good, the good that I have now, any sparkles and smiles and joys and laughter, are all a gift of God’s grace.
So what really happened during my child hood? I was never home. Since class three, I have always been in a boarding school somewhere in the boarder of Kenya and far far away. I grew up fast I tend to think, my thought process sometimes amazes my age. Now I am an orphan trying to take care of her sibling(s). In class five I remember because it was painful and I always live with it, I was raped by my older-step-brother and this is when it all started. The nightmares. No matter how much counselling I went to, I still failed in school,I tried in high school though but it was not an A. In my life I have been in relationships where I made wrong choices, and in all of them I tried to fill in the void I had in my heart, I thought they would make me happy(cliche). I yearned for acceptance, embrace and most of all love(whatever I defined love to be then) I yearned for it, but never got it, worse is I got the opposite of what I wanted. I got lust and a seriously broken heart.
Have you ever read the story of Joseph? I have, But there is a particular Bible study we did and the way this story was laid out, I sat there fascinated by how God orchestrated everything in Joseph’s life for good. I tell you I was just glad to be there, sit there and listen to that story. After he had been sold into Egypt, being jailed for all those years of his life, he meets his brothers whom (being real) he would have considered them enemies, but what does he say?
‘As for you, you meant evil against me, but God MEANT it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today.’ (Genesis 50:20) (emphasis mine)
question; All the things that Joseph went through were they pleasant? Of course not. Then how comes he gives such an answer at the end of all these unpleasantness?
Genesis 49:22-25
“Joseph is a fruitful bough,
a fruitful bough by a spring;
his branches run over the wall.
The archers bitterly attacked him,
shot at him, and harassed him severely,
yet his bow remained unmoved;
his arms were made agile
by the hands of the Mighty One of Jacob
(from there is the Shepherd,the Stone of Israel),
by the God of your father who will help you,
by the Almighty who will bless you
with blessings of heaven above,
blessings of the deep that crouches beneath,
blessings of the breasts and of the womb.” (emphasis mine)
Grace and Peace.
All verses quoted from the ESV.
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